Stupid Heroes of the Absurd

Frictionless Man
Perhaps the most feared and powerful of all super heroes, Frictionless Man's body is completely free from any friction, except for his left index finger, which is often the only thing he can use to stop himself after shooting off at increasingly high speeds. Because he is frictionless, Frictionless Man is impervious to any sort of damage, such as bullets or even a nuclear bomb. Nothing can touch Frictionless Man, so he has no clothing. Frictionless Man has often reached speeds in excess of the speed of sound--his current record is speeding around the earth's circumference 17 times before he could stop himself by slamming into a herd of elephants with his one frictioned finger.

Boomfist
Boomfist is not to be taken lightly; both of his fists are surgically equipped with small but deceivingly powerful explosives. As soon as he punches any opponent, his fist explodes, usually killing off the evil-doer in a bloody mess. However, Boomfist also loses his arm(s) whenever he punches someone, and must have bionic arms surgically attached to his body after every battle. Luckily, Boomfist is the heir to a huge fortune, so this is not a big deal. Boomfist has a sidekick named Boom Boy, who has no true powers or unique abilities of his own, but nonetheless tags along for every battle. Boomfist has a custom made car, called the Boom Mobile, which explodes upon impact with any solid object.

The Pathetic Spunk
Perhaps the only super hero that has a power worse than Magna Eye (see below). The Pathetic Spunk is the result of a horrible laboratory explosion; he has the not-so-incredible power of shrinking in size and losing strength whenever he gets angry. A moderately well-built man, Spunk spends many hours in the gym every week. All of those hours amount to nothing, however, when Spunk is angered: his muscles shrink down to useless size and he can barely stand on his own strength in a fit of rage.

Magna Eye
Magna Eye is one of the most unfortunate super heroes of the Stupid Comics universe. Magna Eye's power lies under the eye patch covering his left eye, which is an extremely powerful magnet, perhaps the most powerful in the world. If Magna Eye lifts the eye patch, he will attract almost any metal object within a half-mile radius. Magna Eye's power is very dangerous, although he has somehow managed not to go blind after all these years. Magna Eye has only used his power twice, both times killing dozens of innocent children.

Jerald Krovitz, better known as "that paralyzed paraplegic guy"
Jerald was not born with his psychic powers, he "acquired" them after being shot by a burglar outside a convenience store. The burglar shot Jerald in the spine and ran off, leaving Jerald to die on the sidewalk. Jerald spent more than an hour screaming as he lay in a pool of his own blood before someone finally noticed him and called the ambulance. After spending months in the hospital, Jerald noticed something very strange--besides the fact that both his arms were gone (he was the unfortunate victim of an accidental double amputation) and that he could not move anything but his head. He had gained a new, frightful power: because of the bullet lodged in his vertabrae, Jerald could generate huge amounts of psychic energy, energy that he could use to either drive other people insane or to levitate and control items through pyschotelekinesis. Though Jerald could not move his own body, he could levitate his wheelchair off the ground and levitate wherever he pleased. However, Jerald does have a weakness: because the bullet in his spine is metal, any metal objects around Jerald will absorb his psychic energy, rendering him completely and utterly powerless. Jerald once failed to apprehend a kidnapper because the man happened to have too many fillings in his teeth.

Random Chance of Passing Through Matter Man ("Randomnorine")
Bob Willikers came up with a theory that the molecules of his body had a very small chance of not colliding with the molecules of another object (like a bullet or a hammer). He dies on the first day of his hero career...first he was shot in the chest, and then beaten repeatedly with a hammer.

Bagel Man
The name says it all, really.